health, life

Am I sad or depressed????

” People think depression is sadness, crying or dressing in Black. But people are wrong. 

Depression is the constant feeling of being numb. You wake up in the morning just to go to bed again.”

I have lived with depression since I was 12 years old and since then I have been suicidal on more than one occasion. I have experienced the sheer terror of contemplating a life filled with unrelenting anguish, and I have been consumed by the terrifying thought of having but a single means of escape from a bleak, unbearable future. It all started when everyone at home and those good for nothing relatives started putting me down for my not so good grades. ( Yeah!! I always scored 80% and it was consistent all my life). I really hated it when my relatives manipulated my parents. As a result, I was usually alone and never had any close friend or anyone, was not so emotionally attached to people. Whenever I brought someone home, there was a comparison on the marks. So I stopped bringing people to my house.

In order to escape all these, all I did was blatantly lie about my marks and just get away with it. I was happy with the instant happy atmosphere at home rather worrying about the consequences later. No one had an idea about all these in my life, since I smiled when everything inside me was shattering into pieces.

This is not a revelation or a confession. It is not that I take my pains to hide, I am definitely not ashamed of it or particularly troubled by it. It was all the game and a part of my life. One minute everything seems to be perfectly fine and the next it is like someone turned the light off my head ( could not find a better analogy). I go so quiet and had a trouble falling asleep. 

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The world around me loses all the focus and I struggle to make sense out of it. Today, I learnt to live with depression, where my only fear is that I don’t want anyone to see me the way I saw myself a few years ago. There is hell, and trust me I have seen it.

“Depression is melancholy minus its charms”

                                                                    Susan Sontag

It all happened in the beginning of my college, and I didn’t even know about it. After a series of very stressful events, I lost all my weight and my hair. And then, I stood lost. One day, I gathered all my broken pieces, put them together, may or may not be perfect and got up! I am really glad i survived. But all these did take a very bad toll in my health. But still, I  was kind of feeling better the next two years.

And after two years it happened again. BAD TIMES again. Finally Here I am in 2018, stronger than ever and better than never. I do feel depressed at times. But then, all I do is to take a run, eat good food, explore new places or go to sleep.

What am I today?? I am doing better in life than all those people I was compared with. I am definitely a better human which I would say with pride.

So here it is,

What is depression???

It is termed as a common but serious mood disorder. It affects how you feel, how you think and handle daily activities such as sleeping, eating or working. It can be defined as persistently depressed mood or loss of interest in activities, causing significant impairment in daily life.

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watch out these signs for depression

It is now become how I try to approach the dips in my week or month, the idea is this:

To be sick, or to suffer is inevitable. But to become bitter and vindictive in sickness and suffering and to surrender and to irrationality, supposing yourself the innocent and virtuous victim of the evil intentions of the world is not inevitable. 

We all do not talk about depression because there is nothing romantic or glamorous about feeling like you are losing your mind; no attractive selfies are waiting to be taken when you have curled up on bed, crying with excruciating emotional pain within you. And we do not like talking about suicides because as animals, the very thought of taking our own life goes against every natural instinct we possess. 

So, when you feel you are depressed, Do not hesitate to ask for help. And when you find someone depressed, offer every possible help. Make the world better. 

 

Written by Divya Shankar

References: American essayist , Richard mitchell

Image source: https://www.yourtango.com/2017299046/22-quotes-about-what-depression-feels

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